On Grief, Anger, and Letting Go

When you feel you are wronged, how long is an appropriate time to grieve/stay angry?

I have a tendency to stay angry long and hard, and hold grudges. (Hey, it’s one of my less-attractive qualities.) But the silver lining, I believe, about that trait is that it illustrates my passion. I love deeply and I anger deeply.

I don’t think being angry is a bad thing. I think it’s an important part of the grieving process. It might be longer for me, but, it’s how I grieve. It’s part of my process.

My longest grievance to date sprung from my first love. (I don’t know if anyone truly gets over their first love.) Mine was especially hard because I felt he wasn’t honest with me. We had been dating almost an entire year. A year of “firsts.” He came back from a week-long vacation at the beginning of the summer and pretended that everything was fine. Two days later, he confessed that he didn’t love me anymore. Those words, at 17 or any age, are hard to hear. Hearing that no amount of fixing yourself will matter, because he doesn’t love you anymore. Period.

The summer after that break-up was hard. I acted out and tried to show him I didn’t care that he’d smashed my heart to smithereens. I failed. He didn’t care. I had lots of boyfriends that followed. I had lots of boys. Every boy for the next couple of years was a conquest because I was trying to prove to myself that I was strong after he’d completely shattered me.

Did I mention he was my first love?

At any rate, sometime this year I was finally able to let it go. Finally able to free myself from my “first love” shackles after 13 years. I don’t remember how it happened, exactly, but I’m not angry at him anymore. He’s free. I’m free.

I don’t want to enter 2015 with shackles, from my first boyfriend or anything else.

There was a situation this year that brought those same feelings back with a vengeance. Something I loved deeply was rocked–hard. And at the time, I was helpless to all of it. I couldn’t change it, it just simply was. I felt betrayed. I saw no reciprocity to my loyalty. And I’ve been angry and resentful for a long, long time.

But I have to grow. I have to move forward. And I refuse to let that anger come into the new year with me. It ends at 11:59p.m. on Wednesday night with 2014.

I am determined to make 2015 the year I manifest the things I really want. To get shit done. To be more balanced. To be more patient with my boys and with myself.

Cheers to 2015.