It’s been a week and I’m already overwhelmed. Not because I don’t want to get married, believe me. But because I’m a born planner. I want this shindig planned as soon as I can, so I don’t have to worry. I’m also in the process of looking for a new place to live. My brain hasn’t been this overactive since I was planning my trip to Italy. Maybe not even then…
Thanksgiving is coming up. I finally get to see some of my family, and Oscar finally gets to meet them. Speaking of which, the big “parents meeting” is this weekend, so I’m equally excited, if not more, about that. I think it’s only fitting that we’re meeting at La Parrilla. Mmm, Parrila dip…
Oscar’s friend Vanessa is coming to visit soon, too. It feels like my freaking sister is coming to visit or something. I want everything to go well while she’s here. I think (or at least I hope) that she and I can become good friends, too.
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If you could look inside my thought processes, assuming you could actually see around in there from all the clutter, here’s what else you might find…
At this point in my life, I couldn’t be happier. Oscar and I haven’t fought yet, which scares me a little, because I don’t know how that first time will go. But I’m much more independent and comfortable with myself around him, so I feel pretty strong that when we do fight, it will be just a fight, and will never amount to him leaving me. I don’t fear saying anything to him, or having to walk on eggshells with when I choose what I want to say. Of course, I think he’s also comfortable enough to do the same, so I won’t be bullying him in any way. I think it’s perfect balance, because we both call each other out, and I’m more apt to admit when I’m being a brat, however long that takes.
I cannot wait to marry him. I know he will take care of me, and that he’d never do anything intentionally to hurt me. He’s shown me this by just being there when I needed him as a friend, and then some. He thinks I’m gorgeous, and tells me all the time, which I appreciate. It’s nice to hear even when I wrinkle my nose every time he tells me.
I know I want babies, but I don’t know if I’m ready for them. Some days I think they’re all kinds of cute, and think about how on earth we’ll manage, and then other days I still have totally selfish thoughts, and think “fuck that, I don’t want to clean up messes, and I have thoughts of not having any babies at all. I’m entirely too selfish still to give up my entire life for one. Ugh. But I don’t if that’s the PMS talking once a month. Sometimes, just the sight of them makes me want to find some birth control pills just for fun and pop them in my mouth like Pop Rocks.
And yet, tick, tick, tick goes the biological clock. Oscar wants to be a young father, and I’m not opposed to having them young either. 27 sounds nice. The number itself sounds nice, but then I think, that’s only 4 years from now. FOUR YEARS and my entire life will change. And then I backpedal. Furiously.
Here’s my personal wish list for sometime before then:
I want to go to back to Italy.
I want to be able to set up my little nest egg. And have nice things in a house and not worry about getting peanut butter, or chocolate, or ketchup on them.
I want more tattoos. I know my parents will cringe when/if they read this, but I do.
I want to stay pretty for a while. No baby fat, no sleepless nights, no acne from pregnancy. Actually, no side effects from pregnancy at all.
I want to earn some money first. Actually be able to enjoy my life without worrying where my babies are at all times.
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However, for the next few weeks, I’m going to try to relax ans enjoy the engagement period. Whee!