“It’s BOREDOM. Tears have glued its eyes together.”

Jan 24, 2008 | Uncategorized

I’ve been really up and down as of late. I think it’s mostly stress-related, but it’s also related to loss.

Thankfully, it’s not anyone really, really close to me – not family or anything like that. I’m pretty lucky to have 3 grandparents left.

But that’s besides the point.

I’m talking about friends and acquaintances. After high school, everyone went their separate ways off to colleges spread out all over the place. I knew it was crazy to assume that I would keep in touch with all of them. And I had intentions of just letting most people go.

College was the same. Fewer friends, but closer friendships. Some came and went in between, but there were a handful that were steadfast.

I guess I’m almost feeling like I have to mourn the loss of these people in between. I never thought something like having to draft up a wedding guest list would make that abundantly clear, but it really did. I found it really easy to “take a little here” and “a little there.” Is that wrong? Facebook and Myspace, I have found, have been a nice way to reconnect but are also a curse. “I’m sorry, kid in my 3rd period English class, but we really have nothing to talk about.”

I don’t think so. I’ve always tried to be a decent friend. A lot of that was because I was a doormat for a long time. I had a turning point in my life last year when the straw broke, and I was done. For the most part, I’m pretty comfortable with my newer, less-mousy self. One could even go as far as saying “bitchy, but in a good way.” (This is funny to me because I said this to my roommate once, but actually meant it.)

I think there’s busy, and there’s apathetic.

I hope no one has ever described me as apathetic when it wasn’t called for.

“You know it well, my Reader. This obscene
beast chain-smokes yawning for the guillotine —
you — hypocrite Reader — my double — my brother!”

– Baudelaire