(Or a much-needed therapy session.)
I went to my first therapy appointment this weekend. I made one for myself last week after Oscar and I went to our premarital counseling session (which went well, by the way), but I realized that there were a lot of things I needed to sort out, especially before we get married. I was feeling an overall wave of the “f**k-its” (as Dana Carvey puts it) in response to the things I can’t control.
I have anger issues. My self-esteem needs a kick in the ass. I’m not happy with things outside my relationship with Oscar and it’s affecting us. And so, I finally decided that worst case, I’d realize I don’t need therapy, and try something else.
But, it went really well. Even for just a first session. I talked her ear off. Hell, I talked both ears off. The reassurance from somebody I’d just met was great, and I realized I need to redirect my case of the “f**k-its” to the things that have been obsessing about but can’t control. I told her I wasn’t happy, and that I should be. I know I should be. I’m extremely lucky and I have all these wonderful things, but all I could focus on was the negative. The handful of things I didn’t like that were bringing me down. And I asked – “Why is it frowned upon to want to be totally, 100% happy? Why can’t I have the absolute perfect life, even if it’s near-perfect now? Why do people see that as greedy or overachieverish?”
The session flew by, so I made another in hopes that she’ll be able to help me work through everything else.