One of my biggest fears right now? Becoming dumbed down. I think I noticed it starting to happen last summer or so. Rarely do I have “a-ha” moments. I wonder if it’s because I’m an “adult” now and I’m supposed to be dramatically less intense, less interesting, less enthusiastic; because that’s what I see.
I come to my office and that’s what I see. I walk outside for lunch and that’s what I see. Businessmen in business suits that probably don’t love what they do, they love the money they get doing it. I don’t want to be like that. I want to believe in the statement “Do what you love and the money will come.” But will it? I mean, really? Could I force myself to love assisting businessmen in business suits?
I’ve had this discussion briefly with a few other people I consider close enough to not rat me out. They’ve identified that feeling I have. The I-don’t-want-my-entire-life-to-be-an-Excel-spreadsheet” feeling. It’s scary.
Is it so wrong that I don’t want to end up settling for a job? Should I suppress the already stifled wild streak I feel because it’s inappropriate? I’ve bought countless books to jumpstart my creativity – about writing, about starting up my own business, about “shaking up my life,” and yet, I read 1/4 of them and pack them back onto a bookshelf. The question is, why?
Admittedly, I feel defeated that nobody reads my blog. Some days it doesn’t bother me, and I read my header up at the top and think, “yeah, so what if I have no readers?” But let’s be honest – I wouldn’t blog if I didn’t want readers. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t love a comment onslaught. I wouldn’t dream of being a freelance writer if I didn’t love the idea of people wanting to read what I have to say.
To be thought-provoking would be one of my biggest goals.
And so. Here I am, still stuck on where to start. I want too much and I have no foundation.